var sayings = new Array(
"A closed mouth gathers no feet.",
"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.",
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.",
"A day without sun shine is like....night.",
"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?",
"All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.",
"All generalizations are false, including this one.",
"Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. - Irene Peter",
"Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.",
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.",
"Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.",
"An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.",
"An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.",
"Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.",
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.",
"Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.",
"Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. - Pardo",
"Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can't do any of them well.",
"Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?",
"As I said before, I never repeat myself.",
"As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.",
"As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.",
"Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!",
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.",
"Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.",
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West",
"Bigamy : one husband too many. Monogamy : same thing.",
"Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.",
"Budget: A method for going broke methodically.",
"Bugs are Sons of Glitches!",
"Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?",
"Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?",
"Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?",
"Can you be a closet claustrophobic?",
"Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.",
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.",
"Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.",
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. - Albert Einstein",
"Confusion not only reigns, it pours.",
"Constant change is here to stay.",
"Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?",
"Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?",
"Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.",
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?",
"Did Noah keep his bees in archives?",
"Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?",
"Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.",
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.",
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?",
"Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?",
"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?",
"Do steam rollers really roll steam?",
"Do witches run spell checkers?",
"Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?",
"Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?",
"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?",
"Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.",
"Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.",
"Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.",
"Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.",
"Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.",
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.",
"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.",
"Eagles may fly, but weasels aren't sucked into jets.",
"Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?",
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?",
"Every morning is the dawn of a new error.",
"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.",
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!",
"Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.",
"Everyone is entitled to my opinion.",
"Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.",
"Exceptions always outnumber rules.",
"Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.",
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Olivier",
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.",
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.",
"Floggings will continue until morale improves.",
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.",
"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.",
"Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!",
"Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.",
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.",
"Friendship is one soul in two bodies.",
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else.",
"Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.",
"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.",
"Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.",
"Grow your own dope... plant a man.",
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!",
"Gun control is being able to hit your target!",
"He who hesitates is probably right.",
"He who laughs last thinks slowest!",
"Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!",
"Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.",
"How can someone draw a blank?",
"How can there be self-help GROUPS?",
"How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...",
"How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?",
"How come wrong numbers are never busy?",
"How did a fool and his money GET together?",
"How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?",
"How do I set my laser printer on stun?",
"How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?",
"How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?",
"How is it possible to have a civil war?",
"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!",
"How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?",
"I bet you I could stop gambling.",
"I can resist anything but temptation",
"I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...",
"I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!",
"I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.",
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.",
"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.",
"I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.",
"I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.",
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx",
"I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.",
"I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person!",
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx",
"I still miss my ex-husband....BUT, My aim is improving!",
"I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.",
"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.",
"I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.",
"I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.",
"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.",
"I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.",
"I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!",
"I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.",
"I'm fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact.",
"I'm leaving my body to science fiction.",
"I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met.",
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!",
"I'm not as dumb as you look.",
"I'm not opinionated, I'm always right!",
"If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?",
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?",
"If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.",
"If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.",
"If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?",
"If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?",
"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?",
"If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?",
"If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?",
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?",
"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?",
"If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?",
"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?",
"If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?",
"If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!",
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.",
"If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?",
"If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?",
"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?",
"If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?",
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?",
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?",
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?",
"If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?",
"If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?",
"If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?",
"If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?",
"If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.",
"If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?",
"If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?",
"If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?",
"If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?",
"If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?",
"If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.",
"In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?",
"Is there another word for synonym?",
"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.",
"It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.",
"It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.",
"It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.",
"Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.",
"Life is sexually transmitted.",
"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.",
"Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.",
"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.",
"Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.",
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.",
"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.",
"Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).",
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.",
"On the other hand....you have different fingers.",
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.",
"Save the whales. Collect the whole set.",
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.",
"Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.",
"Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?",
"Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?",
"Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory.",
"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.",
"The beatings will continue until morale improves.",
"The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.",
"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.",
"The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.",
"The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.",
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.",
"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.",
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.",
"There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.",
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.",
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.",
"To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.",
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.",
"What are Preparation A through Preparation G?",
"What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?",
"What happened to the first 6 'ups'?",
"What has four legs and an one arm? A happy pit bull.",
"What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?",
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?",
"What year did Jesus think it was?",
"What's the speed of dark?",
"When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?",
"Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?",
"Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?",
"Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and The Netherlands, and neither one contains the word Dutch?",
"Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?",
"Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?",
"Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?",
"Why are they called 'stands' when they are made for sitting?",
"Why did Mr. & Mrs. Howell pack so much clothing for a three hour tour?",
"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?",
"Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?",
"Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?",
"Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?",
"Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?",
"Why do doctors call what they do practice?",
"Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?",
"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?",
"Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?",
"Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?",
"Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?",
"Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there?",
"Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?",
"Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?",
"Why does 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?",
"Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?",
"Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?",
"Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?",
"Why is it call 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?",
"Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?",
"Why is it that night falls but day breaks?",
"Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?",
"Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?",
"Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?",
"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.",
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.",
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.",
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest.",
"A day without sunshine is like, well, night.",
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.",
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.",
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.",
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.",
"It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.",
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.",
"The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.",
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.",
"Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.",
"The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.",
"When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.",
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)",
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'-- Eleanor Roosevelt",
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain",
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns",
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.-- Victor Borge",
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain",
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates ",
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx",
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.-- Jimmy Durante",
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.-- Zsa Zsa Gabor",
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine",
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.-- Rodney Dangerfield",
"Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.-- Spike Milligan",
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.-- Joe Namath",
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope",
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.-- W.C. Fields",
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers",
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill",
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller",
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.-- Billy Crystal",
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!!",
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.")
var saynumber=Math.floor(Math.random()*sayings.length)
document.write(sayings[saynumber])